This is my journey…

This blog will be a sharing of who I am and my journey in life. It will cover all sorts of emotions and experiences. Happiness, sadness, depression, anxiety, spirituality, experimentation, exploration, research, curiosity, and looking in general for where I belong in life.

There may not be loads of “adult only” things in this blog but there will be some on occasion.

So over 18 (or 21 for your location) please!

 

Banning Soda in Schools

No burgers, sodas, or smoking allowed.

I definitely don't think they should be allowed before high school. But there definitely should be healthy things put in their place. Things to entice kids to want the good stuff over the bad stuff. I can imagine if we would have grown up with more healthier options then we would want them more later. It is the nature of the beast.

Dear _______,

I miss you….us.

Sometimes I want to hate you and I am sure some probably think I should. Ok honestly sometimes I want to just scream my lungs out at you. But in the end at least you still try to be there on occasion. You were such a happy time in my life. You seen me through so much and we had such good times and adventures together. There are many things I would change knowing what I know now, but they would still include you. You are different now so I am not pining for something I can’t have, just wishing things hadn’t ended. I gave you my soul like I had given no other and in the end you broke my heart. I never seen that coming…not that in any form. I feel more like you just abandoned me than anything else. You were the one person I counted on to share every feeling with. Maybe I had become a little tough to live with. I know I had my own issues and that is why I don’t hate your or really even got mad with you. But one thing you said still echos in my head sometimes….”I found my self doing what everyone else does and didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to upset you”. I felt so abandoned at that moment.  So many questions and fears sprang up. It was so hard from me to know who was true to begin with but I always counted on you. You have a new life now, and a beautiful son. I am happy for you and maybe foolishly still don’t believe you ever meant to hurt me. But honestly you probably did worse to me by making my soul feel abandoned than just breaking my heart. I may never tell this to your face but I had to say it somewhere. Over the last year it has really sunk as to what happened and it still hurts.

Sincerely as always,

…..I don’t even know who to sign this as because I am not who I thought I was.

Eternal Sadness…

I miss my dad. He died so unexpectedly just after Thanksgiving in 1999. Often it still feels like yesterday for me. Probably because I didn’t go see him for Thanksgiving like I was supposed to…I choose to stay with my moms side of the family. I hadn’t seen him for 3 months, not knowing it would be my last chance. I will always have to live with that and it is a very tough thing to do.  I think a lot of my depression probably stims from that point in my life. Slowly over time but definitely a major impact. He was just in his 50’s  and only retired for a few years. He also died alone, at the moment….and that is one of my biggest fears. Alone in the woods. He had been on some property I owned with his brother and nephew hunting. He had killed a doe and was trying to drag it back to his 4-wheeler when he had a heart attack. I have the shell casing from the bullet. I keep thinking I want to do something special with it one day. It was from his last moments. He never was a big hunter when I was growing up but I know he was enjoying being out there with his brother. I get my blue eyes from him, as well as the stubbornness to share emotions and be emotional. Family trait for his side of the family, all his side is like that. It was a tough funeral. My anxiety is bad enough on a good day when I am happy but during this it was VERY tough.  I was lucky enough that the small little church had a room right off to the side from the front that they set up with chairs for me and my brother and sister and some close family. I had many people show how much they cared during this time and I hope I have thanked them all in some way. I couldn’t manage to go to the graves side with everyone. I just couldn’t do it. Actually to this day I have yet to lay eyes on his grave….I just haven’t been able to. I want to and will one day. I wrote him a long letter and put in the casket with him. So many things unsaid and wishes. We had butted heads over the years of growing up but those last few years we had really found a new bonding.  I remember thinking how nice it was.

I miss him.

My Memorial Tattoo

 

I plan to find an old birthday card from him where he signed “love, dad” and have that added right below this.

 

Life is a Dance Floor…

Yes I am listening to P!nk right now. lol

I am not up early, I am still up. I am a little tired but I need to use the car today and it is easier to do it first thing by taking the Man to work than him trying to get away later and bring me the car. My day yesterday was a bit sad. I swear there isn’t anything out there that won’t bring me to tears these days. I’m just that damn emotional when I am not on my meds. It is very annoying. BUT I did succeed and take a few steps back up Happiness Hill. 🙂

I moved my desk into our bedroom so I could set up my crafting/blogging/whatever area….and it keeps me from sitting in the bed with the laptop all day and night. I am sure the Man will appreciate the better quality sleep he is getting as well. lol I moved a few books off my nightstand over to my desk and a pen holder out of the junk room. If there is one thing I have a lot of it is pens and writing instruments of all types. I literally had a large shoebox almost full at one time. So I am not the least bit sad that I am having to throw a few away that no longer write…well except one because it is silver sparkly ink and I am not sure if I have another one yet. Later today (if I have the energy) I hope to bring in my 2 9-cube shelves so that I can sort supplies where they are accessible. Tonight I just sit over here with my laptop and got a feel for the space to decide how I wanted to arrange things so I have plenty of desktop space and so I don’t over crowd the room.

I did bring in an old 2009 Celtic Mandala datebook that I stumbled on and cut out all the good artwork and sayings for some handmade art books I plan to put together. I had netflix going on my laptop, my headphones in, and snipped away.

I also found a blank journal the other day that I have turned into my Doodle book. Jewelry ideas, henna and just whatever. I put it to use tonight once I found a pencil sharpener. 🙂

So it will be a long day but I feel a little accomplished and proud of myself.

Life is a dance floor….that is a reminder that you have to move and do things are you aren’t living. That is the kind of night I have had and I hope it continues. Oh I also applied for a job this morning already. The description was short and to the point so I feel I am actually very qualified, if in no other way than I am a quick learner and that is what they asked for. I hated to have to tell them my phone was disconnected at the moment so the best way to get in touch with me was email or the Man’s phone. On one hand I would think they would under stand but the other depressed anxious side had a very hard time writing that message for fear that they would pass me up because of it. I noticed or maybe more “felt” like they would hesitate after seeing how long I have been unemployed now. It frustrating and infuriating at the same time. But I felt good about applying so I am going to try and hold on to that feeling.

TO-MW: What do you save…

The One-Minute Writer Prompt: Save

What do you save?

I have collected a lot of things over the years but I guess the things I “save” is stuff for crafts. I will save just about anything if I could use it in some kind of crafting situation one day. I have clips from magazines for ideas, (one minute is up) hard pressed cardboard type sheets out of stuff, misc buttons, old blue jeans/overalls,  just any lil’ item or sometimes not so little that I can add to a craft project. 🙂 Moving my craft room always takes the most boxes because of all the various type stuff I like to craft.

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The One-Minute Writer: You have 1,440 minutes a day. Use one of them to write!